Dirty, Dirty Zen

I don’t get out much these days, since my time is pretty well booked solid with things I have to do.  Every now and then, I manage to carve out a few hours or days for things I want to do.  This past weekend was one full of things I wanted to do – not a single textbook was opened.  The good news for you, my lone reader, is that I had time to devote to myself, and then time alone in a car to think about what had gone on.

One of the challenges of socializing for me is that I am very very picky about who I want to be around.  The other one is that I get overstimulated after just a short time around noise, things to look at, and small talk.  I was at a noisy event, full of eye-catching people making small-talk.  I enjoyed most of it, but before the first day was in full swing my brain was already buzzing and my focus was gone.  I was still having plenty of fun, but nowhere near as sharp as I usually feel and unable to calm down or rest much.

When the second day turned into the second night, I ended up in someone else’s room.  Not because I was drunkenly wandering the halls, unable to read room numbers, but because I had somehow gotten the idea that if I stayed the night would get even better.  For once, I was right!  My weekend got even better, and all my suspicions regarding the room owner’s skills were confirmed.  It’s not just that there was raw talent involved; we seemed to match up on some level that took away my usual barriers and let me through the space they occupy.  The thing that really interests me, which I wasn’t able to articulate to myself until the drive home, is that as soon as I was into the dirty naughty times, my mind went quiet.  During the long night, every new level of physical sensation brought my brain (or the part we think of as the “self”) closer to my body until I was an entire person with no static and nothing outside of the immediate time and place.

This whole experience wasn’t entirely new, but it is so rare for me that when it happens with someone I feel like I’ve remembered myself as a better version than what I usually am.  I know it’s cheap and immature to use drugs or sex as a substitute for meditation or spirituality or whatever you more “advanced” humans get up to.  Still, I’m not at all sorry that I’m able to find these moments, even if it’s just every now and then.  And maybe it only seems cheap and immature to people who have a different way of integrating the mind and body and haven’t had a night like that.  My way might work simply because of the person I am now, which would be fine by me.  After all, it did get me back to writing!


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