Archive for May, 2012

Three Laws, Part III

Posted in Uncategorized on May 26, 2012 by sanguinesnow

Hello everyone!  I want to start this final section of the series with a note that occurred to me partway through writing Part II.  I didn’t want to put it in the middle of that post and let it get buried, so here it is:

Even though I’m presenting all these ideas of mine as being The Law Of Cunt, they can easily be expanded to include women’s bodies in general, and by extension women’s autonomy and self-image.  It’s true that I like using the word “cunt”, and when the ideas started coalescing in my mind they were tagged as such before I even considered why.  Well, as far as I can tell at this writing, it’s due to the fact that a whole great lot of the issues women face as far as the way they’re seen and treated by society at large is due to the way that society views us sexually.  (And I probably don’t even need to say so at this point, but yes, I have further writing to do about that.)  Also, it’s really hard for a lot of women to own their bodies and their sexuality, and even harder for a lot of men to respect (or even be “man enough” to want to respect) a healthy body image and autonomous sexuality.  So yes, there are issues here far beyond the realm of one’s own personal cunt, but I’m sticking with my original concept.  That noted, I’ll get on with the . . .

Third Law Of Cunt:  The Cunt Is Not Dirty

Dirty.  It can mean two different things – “dirty” in the sense of being literally unclean, or “dirty” in the sense of being forbidden by social mores.  We have both meanings heaped upon our cunts before we can even understand what they mean.  And neither meaning is appropriate or correct.

I’ll start with the literal meaning, that of being not-clean.  Or doubleplus unclean, if you are fluent in newspeak.  I hate this one.  To view the cunt as basically less-than literally “clean” is to assume there is something inherently wrong with the entire area.  It’s to say that washing your cunt regularly as your would your face or hair is not sufficient, since there is something so wrong with it that even though it’s part of your body it is disconnected from your body in a way that makes it into some biohazard zone.  This does indeed tie into the second meaning of “dirty” since considering the cunt as something “other” than the rest of your body makes it less accessible and less free for exploration.  But for now, let’s talk about literal cleanliness.

If you have access to a good doctor or good literature (shout out to my Mum for giving my sister and I Our Bodies, Ourselves when we were kids!) you will have access to basic health and cleanliness information.  But I live in the US, where basic health care and information is treated like a special thing you earn.  Access is not a given.  Heck, I spent most of my twenties without health insurance and used the county clinic for everything.  When I compare the way I was often spoken to and treated there with the way my current doctor handles me, it really is two different standards that look like they should belong to two vastly different countries.  That’s the nasty truth that lots of people raving against “socialized medicine” don’t want to talk about.  It’s as if, where health care is concerned, there ARE two different countries but since they’re both called the same thing we can ignore that particular issue.  I’m getting back to the main point in a second, but since I’ve seen both sides I do want to say that some of my experiences with the county clinic were downright dehumanizing and did not provide me with useful information or a sense of responsibility for my well-being.  My current doctor is always respectful and answers any questions I have with useful information.  I want everyone to have access to a doctor like her, and the real information a dedicated and compassionate doctor can offer.  Political rant over, but as they say, the personal is political.  Maybe if we had a better medical system in this country I wouldn’t even THINK of repeating basic facts about care, since everyone would already know them.

So, basic health and cleanliness.  The vagina (that’s the internal part, the muscular section in between the opening of the cunt and the cervix) is self-cleaning.  IF you are in good health, nothing needs to be done to it.  The external parts should be washed with warm water.  Harsh soaps and chemicals can cause infections.  It seems simple, but here’s where a lot of problems arise: To know what is normal for your own cunt, you have to be familiar with it.  Lots of women feel the need to use products pushed on them to deal with what they think is unnatural odor or secretions because they have no idea what is a normal odor or secretion for them.  That’s where society can really fuck with you.  It’s also where the two definitions of dirtiness feed each other.  See, to know your own cunt, you have to take some time to get to know it on your own.  That means having the freedom and comfort to touch yourself, look at yourself, and know what you smell and taste like when you’re healthy.  Someone who feels it’s wrong to touch herself in the first place is going to be inhibited against getting thoroughly familiar with her own smells and tastes.  As soon as some dude or some advertisement tells her something is “wrong” with those smells and tastes she will not have the self-knowledge to call bullshit on them.  And it gets worse!  If you don’t know what your cunt is like when it’s healthy, how will you know when something really is wrong?  If you have an actual infection and are using douches or perfume to deal with it because you think cunts just always smell gross anyway, you are letting that infection get worse and possibly really injure you.  Seeing a healthy cunt as literally dirty can lead to poor health, since it takes the ability to monitor your health away from you.

And since I mentioned dudes in the above, I want to point out how much they can sometimes influence this concept.  I have run into all kinds of dudes who want to tell me all about the care and keeping of my cunt.  I know well enough now to run away, but not everyone does.  I’ve had dudes tell me I should douche since I smell bad, and I should shave since hair is somehow “dirty”.  Oh, the shaving!  It’s a fairly recent thing, if you didn’t know, and younger guys in particular seem to think it’s “cleaner”.  Not true.  It’s a personal decision, and I have no say for or against, but if you are rocking a full bush?  Yeah, you wash it.  You can even condition it as you would the hair on your head and make it all soft and shiny.  But dirty?  No.  Just no.  And if you are entirely bare, that doesn’t actually cause some kind of magical cleanliness – all the things noted above still apply.

This is also a good intersection (again) of the two perceptions of dirtiness that hurt us.  All those dudes I’ve run into that want to tell me all about what’s wrong with my cunt?  Perfectly happy to fuck it.  And that, my friends, is a fundamentally perverted view of sexuality.  It’s a view that allows these guys to go ahead and have what I consider pretty damn intimate biological contact with a part of me that they see as fundamentally unclean.  In my way of thinking, healthy, respectful sexuality means wanting to get close and intimate with another person’s body because that body is fucking hot and when you are in the middle of it you WANT it and it’s the BEST THING EVER and VERY SPECIAL.  Obviously, I’m talking about good sex, and how it should be ideally.  That’s the kind of sex I want people to have.  This is where is thing the forbidden aspect of the dirty cunt idea comes in – these people are not interested in the healthy, respectful kind of sex and may not even be able to see what that would be like because they buy into the idea that since society dictates that there is something inherently “dirty” going on there, the cunt is reduced to a convenient hole that is there to be fucked and cannot be loved or even treated as an important feature of the woman who owns it since it must be kept behind the curtain and controlled.  It’s turned into a bad joke that some guys use as little more than a masturbation aid.

On a personal note, “dirty” is one of those words I find in my own vocabulary in a contradictory way.  Again, it works the way that my contradiction to the First Law does – it’s not a true contradiction for me since the ONLY time it comes out is when I already know the Law is being observed.  Good sex for me does have a very base, animalistic side to it, and I can only have really good sex with someone I trust.  Maybe there’s a deep part of myself that enjoys taking on the baggage that bad bedmates have heaped on me and subverting it to excite a deserving partner.  If I’ve accidentally hooked up with some jerk that’s just going to poke away until he comes, I will never use The Dirty Talk.  But if it’s someone I know obeys the Third Law, I can say “Your dirty little slut needs her filthy cunt fucked right now,” and not only will I get the fucking, I’ll get to see the deserving partner smearing my juices all over himself and hear him reveling in how good I smell and taste.  And then after that, this being a good, Law-abiding man, I will be able to take myself home and never have to hear any complaints about how there’s something “wrong” with me.

That’s the personal note, and also why the Three Laws are important to me.  Having written all this out, I am starting to suspect that my own “contradictions” are really a therapeutic way for me to deal with all the terrible, terrible sex I’ve been party to.  At this point, I am lucky to be in a safe place to dig through all the bad things I’ve been involved in and look at why they’re there, and my brand of dirty talk may be part of that.  For everyone else, I want the same level of safety, whatever that might look like.  With a partner or not, sexual or not, I sincerely want women in general to have ownership of their bodies, to be able to find strength that doesn’t rely on hurting others, and to enjoy health and freedom from social forces that want them to be unaware of these Laws.  I can’t fix anything by writing these Laws down, but I’ll do it anyway.  As I’ve said earlier, allowing despair to silence me – even if it were just a silencing in the sense that I’d decide none of my ideas mattered enough to write down in my own personal forum – would be turning over power to the machinery that has already long been in place to ensure that I see my own ideas as not worth exploring.  None of us really have the luxury of going along with that machine, since it will only hurt us in the end.  That’s why, futile as it may seem, I’m driven to talk about my own experience and my dreams and desires.

If you’ve read through all this (especially if you actually did come across this randomly, as happens on the internets) feel free to comment!  Or share it with someone else.  Now that I’m done with the Three Laws posts I’ll probably get back to writing about heart-wrenching memories of mine or sexy things going on in my real life, but I have more social and political ranting left in me.

Stay Tuned.

Three Laws, Part II

Posted in Uncategorized on May 24, 2012 by sanguinesnow

And now it’s time for me to use some of the scant three hours or so I have between the end of work and the beginning of bedtime to type the word “cunt” as much as I can.  I did say I was getting back to Serious Business next, so no more complaining about lack of time.  I present to you the . . .

Second Law of Cunt:  Thou Shalt Hold Thine Own In The Highest Regard Whilst Not Denigrating Anyone Else’s.

Is it a contradiction to say this?  How can you have the highest regard for your own cunt and not see another one as lesser?  It’s not a contradiction, as much as I love getting into those, it’s actually a very simple Law that lots of people out there have trouble learning.  Let’s talk about feminism for a moment, since this ties into some of the weird ways I see women (particularly young, privileged women) interpret the term.  The point of feminism is simply that women are equal to men, and as such should live in a society that treats them as equal.  Since we don’t live in that society, feminism can be described as a movement to empower women.  Let me repeat that, feminism is a movement that empowers women.  Not just you, not just your friends, not just that one woman you saw on TV talking about her new book, but all women.  This includes women of every race, every social background, every economic bracket, every religion, every physical description including the ones who weren’t born with two X chromosomes, every age, and so on.  All women.  If something is empowering to one woman, that does not make it empowering to women as a group, and it does not make it a feminist act.  This is where the Law comes in, in my experience.  Ever since I left the tiny rural town I grew up in for Liberal Arts University X, I’ve been running into women who want to tell me all about the amazing sexy shit they do and how it’s so empowering and if I don’t get it I’m just repressed or not as awesomely feminist as they are.  I also run into plenty of women who are all about “pussy power”.  We can totally use our bodies to manipulate men and that’s empowering so it makes you all free from oppression, right?  Often, these women are the same ones.

Both these viewpoints show a complete disregard for the Second Law.  Let’s start with your amazing sexy activities and how other women just don’t GET it and are not as enlightened as you.  Maybe you find stripping empowering, or maybe you’re really proud of how many sexual partners you’ve had.  That is your business, and if it makes you love your cunt more and have a better relationship with it, great!  I strongly believe that everyone who has a cunt should indeed love it, and treat it well, and do things that contribute to general happiness and well-being surrounding their feelings toward it.  As soon as you try to sell me your program as being the best one for my cunt and my feelings about it, you have broken the Law.  Lots of women get into sex work or have more partners for flagrantly disempowering reasons.  Lots of women end up feeling worse about their own bodies after following what looks like the same path as my amazingly “enlightened” sisters.  If you are holding up your own personal sexual activities as an ideal that other women “should” follow, you are not respecting them, and you sure as hell aren’t respecting their cunts.  This is also where privilege plays a part.  If you see the things you do as so much better than the things other women do, you are almost certainly enjoying some level of privilege they aren’t.  And your activities are not empowering them.  This goes for me, too.  All that talk lately about the goings-on with Sir?  All that is personally empowering, yes, and it is part of my having learned to have the highest regard for my cunt (and myself).  But it is personal.  Another woman may have the opposite reaction, or choose a different kind of relationship, and here’s where I see my own privilege and also obey my Second Law:  I am privileged to have had the time and energy to devote to figuring out what I want, and to have met someone I want to have this particular relationship with.  And as far as the Law goes, I understand that other women have different lives and different needs and I would NEVER suggest that what is good for me would be good for them.  (Okay, there are a few things I think would be good for everyone, but that’s the Third Law.)  Sexually, (and I mean this in the broadest sense – it includes being celibate or asexual as well) the way the Second Law works is that ideally, everyone who has a cunt is able to discover what is best for them.  The regard I would like to see all women have is the highest level of love and respect that allows every one of them to find out what is best for their own personal cunt and then be able to follow those findings into a happy, healthy life.

Then there’s “pussy power”.  Women I’ve heard talk about it think they’ve gotten to that point.  They think they have the reverence for their bodies I am talking about.  But they are not following the Law into true reverence, and they denigrate the rest of us along the way.  First off, there’s the bit I mentioned above, about using your cunt to control men.  That is not true empowerment, and it’s not a sign of reverence for your cunt, either.  I know all us feminists are fighting the good fight, trying to gain equal ground, but that is not the good fight.  Let me bold this next part: True empowerment does not mean having power over anyone else.  And there, you see, is the problem.  That wonderful equal society I was talking about?  It’s one where all humans are equal.  Equality means having all the basic rights, dignity, and recognition that humans deserve.  You will never achieve that by using sexual tactics to “make” some guy buy you shit or bow to your every whim.  And if you think that’s empowering, well, maybe it is to you, but it does not work in my world.  See, I feel most equal to a man sexually when everything I bring to the table is respected, and I can respect him too.  That means if I say no to anything, or if there are things I’m not able to do I still get all the respect that my most wild and wanton acts earn me.  The very concept of control over men that is “earned” through being Good At Sex is NOT empowering to me.  It means that the only reason I’m respected or “allowed” to have power is because I’m being Good At Sex for him.  If that is where my power lies, I only “earn” it as long as I keep being the perfect vixen.  Real power and respect still exist when you have the flu, or are depressed, or busy, or arguing.  And yes, the best sex in the world can make you feel powerful, but it should also show you your partner’s power.  At the same time.

This is also why some of these types I’ve run into really break the second half of this Law.  Your cunt is amazingly awesome, and beautiful, and all that, but you do not need to insult the rest of us to make it so.  Once you have the reverence and love for your own, you don’t need to put anyone else down because you know it’s real.  I’m sure it’s no coincidence that a lot of these lawbreakers I’m talking about often like to play a game called “my cunt is better than you cunt”.  If they can sleep with your significant other, they feel like they’ve won something since they just proved that they’re better than you.  If they’ve done wilder or more exciting things than you, they feel like they have again proven that they’re better than you.  This is another area where all that love and respect isn’t quite there, because as with manipulating men, it rests in power that is only defined by power over another person, and not true inner strength.  Also, as soon as someone is all thrilled that their own cunt is “better”?  It brings us all down.  Competition among women is just another way of distracting us from the real issues we have to face, and it’s a very effective tool.  Competition in general is encouraged, since no one can win.  Someone will always be prettier, younger, thinner, or sexier.  A woman might feel like she’s “won” by being the prettiest/youngest/thinnest/sexiest, but it’s a grey victory since it’s only there until someone else knocks her off the throne, and there will always be someone else.  Again, the Law is that YOU and YOUR CUNT should be afforded all the respect and love they deserve simply because they do deserve it.

And yes, I do fall into this trap more often than I’d like.  I do feel bad when someone else demands the attention I want – specifically when it’s attention from someone I want.  You know why?  Because for most of my life other women have played “my cunt is better than your cunt” with me and I have lost every time.  That is why I recognise it, and that is why I refuse to play.  I want to enjoy all the good feeling about myself I’ve developed without someone else coming along and trying to develop her own good feelings by “proving” she’s “better” than me.  I don’t do that to other women, and I don’t want them doing it to me.  That’s why we’ll all be happier if we strive to follow the Second Law.  Love your cunt, but also know that anyone else who has one deserves the same love.

 

 

Random Notes

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on May 23, 2012 by sanguinesnow

I’m dropping in because I feel like writing but have to go to bed instead, so I’m going to half-ass it by making another “I don’t have enough TIIIIIMMMMEEE!” post.  To which you may reply, “You’d have plenty of time if you didn’t spend so much of it whinging about things.”  Which is a fair point.  But I do a lot of other things, too!

I am taking summer classes.  The Maths one is easy, since it’s all logic, but the English one is oddly frustrating so far.  It’s Technical Writing, and there’s no whinging and no sexiness in Technical Writing.  So there’s both my main topics, right out.  And the first assignment asks, as an extra, to link any examples of writing we may have.  Good thing that’s optional, since I’m going to pass on it.

That said, I’m getting to my massive list of things to write here more slowly because after a week of being derailed I’ve gotten back to the fiction thing I swore I would not abandon this time.

Which also ties into one of the books in the massive pile I’ve been working my way through.  (I’ll get to actual reviews one day, for the curious.)  It’s The Erotic Mind, and so far is one of those books I really want to skip around in because I find myself bored.  A book with that title shouldn’t be boring, but I often find myself thinking, but I already KNOW that – isn’t there a more “advanced” chapter in here?  I’m not skipping though, since something interesting and important could be buried in there somewhere I least expect it.  The tie-in is that early on, the book suggests writing down your own fantasies.  A good suggestion, but I’m already on it, so don’t really need the constant reassurance that it’s okay to do even if it’s scary.  Curling up with the computer is way less scary than, you know, REAL LIFE, so I’m fine.

And in real life, I’m using what little time I have on personal things and sometimes going to parties.  That’s it for time.  All gone.  Next post will be Serious Business again.

A Dream

Posted in Uncategorized on May 22, 2012 by sanguinesnow

Last night I had this dream:  I was staying in the kind of weird old creepy house that shows up a lot as a setting for my dreams, and felt like something was wrong and I needed to go help.  I walked into a bedroom to find my brother on his side on the bed getting a spinal tap and crying in pain as the needle went in.  Since his back was turned to me, I could see the fluid as it came out of the hollow needle to fill the tube the doctor was holding, but my brother was still screaming so I went around the bed and climbed on the other side so I could hold him.  I cuddled him to me and told him it would be okay, it would be over soon, I had already been through it so I promised the pain wasn’t really unbearable, he could take it and be okay.

Like Tarot, I normally think “dream interpretation” is way too woo-woo for my tastes, but then get interested in it as a stick to poke at my subconscious with.  I’ve been having my old trauma nightmares lately, brought on by my bad date and all that stirred up in me, but this one felt like walking into someone else’s nightmare and trying to fix it.  I often have dreams about physically painful or traumatic things happening to my family members, and this morning after I’d woken up and set aside musing on this dream for my usual coffee and internet routine I figured out why.

I wish I’d figured it out in an exciting and poetic manner, but creative breakthroughs only happen when you stop looking for them.  (Which is why you should take lots of baths and walks and things like that.)  Stupid old Facebook got me through this one.  A couple of days ago, I almost commented on a post, but then saw that a Girlfriend Who Was There Before Me had already.  I didn’t, and also had a moment of Crazy because it’s really hard for me to deal with the feelings non-monogamy brings up sometimes.  Which are complicated, and really deserve a longer discussion since I seem to have a double standard going, but I’m just going to leave it at that for now.  Someday someone who doesn’t actually know me in real life will run into all these “I should talk about that in more detail” things I throw in here and comment asking “WHERE IS THAT POST?!”, but this is still a tiny little personal journal so who cares?  I was getting to this morning.  There was another post that was So Relevant To Something I’d Just Been Thinking Of, but again GWWTBM commented first, and was all cute and flirty so I was having another non-commenting moment of wishing for once I could be more special and important and wondering why I was so unhappy knowing about GWWTBM when as far as I can tell the only other option is NOT knowing and then being tossed aside in favor of someone else anyway.

That’s when I finally realised why dreams about my family being hurt are such a recurring theme.  I’m very close to all my family members, so when I have these dreams they’re stand-ins for ME.  It seems silly to go to all that trouble and appropriate someone else’s image to make a point, but that’s dream logic for you.  This particular one makes sense that way because I have had a spinal tap, but my brother hasn’t.  It is still at least in my top 5 Most Physically Painful Things, and will probably stay there much longer.  I got through it with my usual method of putting my mind elsewhere, but emotional pain can only be dealt with for so long in that way.  Emotional pain does feel intensely physical for me, but is more like being punched in the solar plexus or sternum (assignment to self: track which instances cause which pain – it’ll be distracting and interesting.) which I know because I keep putting myself into situations where it’s likely.  And that’s why my subconscious knew I needed to offer a physical reminder to myself of something I did get through quite well, thank you, and show me offering comfort and the insistence that I will get through it okay.

Another layer to the spinal tap parallel (good job subconscious mind!) is that there are two possible outcomes, but either way the pain is going to be there and must be dealt with.  See, I had one in the first place because I had what looked like Meningitis.  Maybe I did and maybe I didn’t, but the only way to find out was to get that needle in there and check out the spinal fluid.  It turned out I didn’t have meningitis, but the doctor had to know so I could be treated correctly.  So I didn’t die.  Not that I would die over romantic issues – I’m not a teenager – but since I’ve made myself think about it, I do have two equally painful options and have to choose one.  The opportunity to decide which of two painful things you want is not terribly exciting, but since I live in the real world there’s not much else.  Out here, pretty much everything is dangerous all the time, and the option of hiding away and not dealing with it isn’t on the table.  Hopefully, since in the dream I was going on about how I could take it, I really can take it and whatever ends up being the best choice will eventually help with the punching sensations.  Thing is, I’ve already dealt with all this over and over again by hiding away and insisting it would somehow help.  It doesn’t, so clearly the pain has to happen before I can really choose what I want and then learn to be okay with whichever it is.  It’s been good to write all that out, but it hasn’t gotten me any closer to figuring things out than I was this morning.  Since that’ll take ages and ages to do I’ll end this here and pick it up again next time I have a weird dream.

Three Laws, part I

Posted in Uncategorized on May 20, 2012 by sanguinesnow

I haven’t had a scan to confirm this, but I’m pretty sure that the part of my brain containing all my nerdiness is right next to the part that houses my sexuality.  Since I’m not the only one who appears to be wired up this way, I suggest someone out there apply for a grant – more research is needed.

My Three Laws came together after I noticed I have a habit of, any time someone is behaving in a way that clashes with my ideas of sexuality – not in a “that’s not my kink” way but in a “that is WRONG” way – a voice in my head was saying “He/she doesn’t know the Law Of Cunt*!”  Random phrase at first, but by now I’ve figured out that there are three laws that are Very Important and should be listed.

Why three?  Same reason Asimov only needed three.  A lot of ground can be covered in three laws, and a smaller number makes them easy to remember.  If I were just talking about myself I could come up with long lists of important information, but I feel secure enough in my ideas to think these basic instructions would be massively useful to everyone.  They’re written from my own point of view, since I played around with different ways of phrasing them and feel best about first-person.  But as I said, this isn’t just an instruction manual for me.  In a better world, it would apply as common sense.

First Law Of Cunt:  It is mine.
Basic anatomy should makes this apparent, since it is after all part of my body.  But one of the things that I hate about our culture is that it teaches girls from a young age not to have physical autonomy.  It is depressingly common for guys to assume that if I’ve slept with them once I’m never going to say no to a second time.  Or if we’ve flirted/made out/discussed possibly having sex in the future I cannot say no.  Or if they know I had sex with person X or just that I am “promiscuous” (code for “likes sex”) I will NEVER say no to them, person Y.  I can and do, since this laws means that no one is ever automatically granted access to me.

Another depressingly common assumption is that during the time someone else is allowed access that means they can do whatever the hell they want.  This is a good way to show me that you are someone I never want to have anything to do with again.  If you care about me and are respectful of the Law, you will find out if particular things are okay.  If they’re not, you will not argue or get pouty since those reactions show me that you don’t understand my basic right to ownership of my own body.  No one else is allowed to make me feel obligated to let them do anything I’m not okay with.  If you pull out any guilt tactics or other such underhandedness you don’t know the Law.

A few people know me well enough to point out a huge contradiction here.  Those people also know me well enough to see why it’s not a contradiction at all.  Every now and then, if I have found the right person, I will end up saying just the opposite.  I will be worked up to a fever pitch and then get even more lustful and excited as I say,I am yours, use me, take possession of me and make my cunt belong to you. (I may be less coherent at these times.  I actually don’t have a handy quote in mind since last time I said anything like that I wasn’t thinking a bit about writing it down later.)  And let me tell you, however I phrase it, I mean every word of it.  When that is coming out of my mouth, I do feel that I am letting go of myself and offering my love every part of me to claim.  The few people who get to see me like this see it for a very specific reason, though: They know the Law.  I can only get to the point where I feel like I want to offer myself that completely if I feel secure in knowing that the person I’m offering myself to will absolutely be able to handle me in the way I want, and not hurt me.  I have to know that they respect me enough that if I ever did say No they would not question my judgement or try to push me, but hear it and listen.  Once I feel that safe, I personally do enjoy giving up my control for a time and telling someone they own me entirely.  It is amazingly rare that I can get into that frame of mind, and I can only do it if I am sure the person I’m turning control over to understands that I can take it back whenever I choose.

This also applies to serious Slaves, and women in 24/7 D/s relationships.  I want to bring them up, since my understanding of healthy vs. unhealthy approaches to that kink is another contradiction-that-isn’t.  This is where I can only be an outside observer, since even if my one relationship of the sort hadn’t gone so badly it still wouldn’t be for me.  But women who do want that?  Same thing applies.  From what I’ve seen or read about actual healthy relationships, they give up autonomy to a specific person because the trust and understanding is there.  If it weren’t, or if things turned out as badly as they did for me, the Law still exists, and they ideally should be able to revoke ownership as soon as there is a reason for them to reclaim the cunt in question.  That’s a kink that is not mine, so I can only work that one out on paper, but it’s also one I don’t think is inherently wrong.  I can relate as far as what is healthy for me, and the fact that I do feel amazingly good in a situation where I can be happier for letting that other person know that I am absolutely giving myself up, but what makes it healthy and so hot for me is knowing that I am offering this gift because it will not be misused.

That right there is the crux of why my personal contradiction isn’t one at all.  People who don’t know The Law assume that they are entitled to me.  People who do understand it can see that when I’m all wet and needy and willing to just let myself go and beg them to own me and use me as they will are able to appreciate that I’m offering something rare and important that is not just sex and not just another conquest for them.  It is a part of me that is so guarded that for me to offer it means that I can let down the barriers that are usually necessary even mid-orgasm to protect me from anyone who doesn’t know The Law.  (It’s sad that I’ve even had casual sex with those people recently, but I already vented about that.  Must be more vigilant in the future.)

That is the First Law of Cunt.  If you have one, I want you to know that no matter what you do with anyone else, or what you say or what your arrangements are, it’s still the Law.  As women, I think that whatever we enjoy doing or don’t enjoy doing, this should be a given.  Men that have sex with women should understand this, too.  If a man is offered any level of ownership for any length of time it should be handled and appreciated as a gift, and not ever taken for granted.  Men not interested in ownership should still have the basic respect and understanding of the Law.

I know I’m dreaming here, with my ideal of a society that understands all of this, but it’s what I want to see.  Even if it’s impossible to achieve in the world I live in now, me shutting up and not bothering to write about it would mean that I was so resigned to the current culture that I would allow it to silence me.  As with most things, this has been knocking around in my mind long enough, and silence is not my style.  And now that I’ve written out my thoughts, I have to move on to the next two.  This is important to me, and I want it to be important to everyone I know, too.

*If you need to, replace “Cunt” with your favorite word.  I have my reasons for using it, but that is another discussion I’ve got on The List.

Fiction Informing My Truth

Posted in Uncategorized on May 19, 2012 by sanguinesnow

I haven’t gotten around to any of the book review posts I’ve started and abandoned or thought of and didn’t start.  I have trouble writing proper reviews unless I dislike something.  When I dislike a book (or movie) I really pick apart the particulars of why it didn’t work for me, but the ones I want to talk about are often the ones I love, and then I find myself saying over and over, It was great.  So great.  I love it.  I love it so much.  You just have to read it and we’ll talk about it.  I do this because I’m kind of a book evangelist, wanting to spread the news and shout about how much I love a book, with more fervor than substance – like evangelical religion as opposed to a scholarly approach.

Often, the books that really get to me fiction-wise are the ones that match up to something I feel about my life, and give me an exciting illustration of something real that benefits from having a fantastical mirror held up to it.  (This is also why there are more Death Goddess posts in the future.  Really OLD fiction works, too.)

A couple of people have already heard me talking about Sergei Lukyanenko’s Watch series (Night Watch, Day Watch, Twilight Watch, and Last Watch) and the two films based on them (Night Watch and Day Watch.  There probably won’t be any more, as it seems the director has defected to the US.), and how it’s so amazingly relevant to my perception of life and shit and wow, man, I just can’t even TELL you . . . .  but those conversations were brief, and took place during Drinking Time.  I decided I’d get more out of writing it during Sober Time, and without interruptions.  Although we should all get together at my place sometime to watch the movies back to back.  They’re just really good.  I don’t normally get into fantasy much, but these work for me somehow, so I’ll start by giving you some background:

In the Watch universe, some people turn out to be different from the general population.  They’re Others, and at some point in their lives they find out by manifesting some strange power.  There are shape-shifters, vampires, sorcerers, things like that.  When you find out that you are an Other, you align with the Dark Ones or Light Ones.  They’ve always existed, but have a long-standing truce that balances the two sides and limits how they interact with the rest of the world.  The Night Watch is made up of Light Ones keeping an eye on the Dark Ones and vice-versa.  To give that synopsis makes it all sound like tired old urban fantasy stuff, and maybe it would be for you, but like I said the genre usually doesn’t do anything for me but this one does.  Maybe it’s the writing, or maybe it’s that I’m impressed with the way it’s all brought to life in the films.  Here’s the thing that gets to me in such a way that I end up going on about it to any captive audience I might have:

They’re not good and evil.  Just dark and light.*

In the Watch universe, Light Ones are the ones that intervene in human affairs to benefit the humans.  They feed off of people’s happiness and fulfill needs.  Dark Ones are selfish.  They use humans to further their own goals and feed their personal power.

So, imagine a scene from my own life.  A girl dressed in white is bent over, held down, crying out in a voice far beyond words.  A dark man with a stern expression stands over her, holding her down with a firm grip on her neck.  As each cry subsides, he strikes her again, harder, demanding that she take more.  The girl raises her ass up higher to meet every blow, and finally collapses gasping for breath on the floor as the man praises her for being such a good submissive whore.

So, which is the Dark One?

Obviously it’s the man, since he might actually be hurting that poor girl and after she collapses under his abuse he’s still talking to her in such a debased manner.  Wrong!  If you thought that was it, you were only looking at the surface, the image you’ve been trained to see by your exposure to all the bullshit our society hands us.**  As Patti Smith says, Outside of society!  If you’re looking, that’s where you’ll find me.  I don’t live in that version of sexual expression.  At least, I don’t when I’m at my truest point of feeling.  Allow me to explain:

I mentioned earlier having a Potential Sir.  I’m going to leave off the Potential part of that now, because my screening process has not kicked Him out yet.  I don’t often find people I want to expose my desires to, since they often turn out to be like the two Bad Dates I’ve talked about here.  Anything I have to offer, they only want to use for their own amusement or worse, to prove to them that women are just toys or are naturally meant to be handled in a domineering way.  Domineering meaning that they need to control others to make themselves feel strong, whereas Dominant means that the person identifying as such has so much control and understanding that He/She can appreciate and satisfy the submissive partner.  (I say this not just as someone with submissive tendencies that are difficult to satisfy, but also as someone with dominant tendencies that with the right partner can become quite intense.)

Lest I digress too far, I’ll get back to the scene I was describing earlier.  And this, this, has a whole great stonking lot to do with Sir, and why I want to call Him that and that alone right now.  And it relates back to my love of the Watch books and films.  You see, I am very clearly a Dark One (or would be if I had actual magical powers and lived in a fictional world).  Sir is a Light One.  How did I figure this out?  Well, my first husband (Death Goddesses I post) was very much Dark.  I still honestly believe that the reason it all went to Hell was nothing to do with drugs or my youth or any of that so much as it did the fact that his basic nature was entirely selfish.  My pleasure never drove him nearly as much as his idea of owning me did.  In contrast, I am constantly amazed by how much Sir actually wants me to be happy and satisfied.  I’ve already laid down the You Cannot Own Me But I Will Belong To You If You Give Me X, Y And Z rules.  And so far (a short time, I admit, and I do have it clear in my mind that it could still all go wrong) He has given me everything and not crossed my boundaries.

That is how it works, and that is why if you need to see a victim and an aggressor you are blind, and that is why my Dark/Light understanding of Lukyanenko’s stories informs my explanation of my sexual needs.  If I were a Dark One, I’d be selfish and always looking to find someone to feed my sense of self and please me above all else.  A Light One would respond to someone’s needs by offering as much of His own energy as possible to satiate them and make the subject’s life richer and better in any way possible.  The part of me that makes me want to submit to spankings and rough handling and rougher sex and words that would seem harsh to some is not just a part that I bring out to make doms happy.  Given my personality and tangled history, I am usually no good at all to self-proclaimed doms who just want to see a submissive female behave herself.  Because I don’t behave; because it’s not just a thing I can use to play with some random dude who likes feeling powerful.  I touched on this last time I talked about spankings – huge difference between dudes who like to see women as submissive and Men who can get into my submissive nature and handle it as it is.  That part of myself that is falling over onto the floor after I’m past the point where I can even form sentences?  That is a deep and very real version of me.  That is why I need kisses and cuddling and gentle talk after I’ve gotten there – I have just allowed something inside of me that is so much an expression of what I am that I usually need to hide it for my own protection out, and it is hidden mainly because it is hungry and it is damn difficult to feed that hunger.

That is my darkness.  My selfishness and my clinging need that latches on to the rare source that can feed it.  When I look like I’m being hurt, or subjugated, I am at my most selfish.  I have been given the freedom to let all my hunger and desires out and hand them over to someone who can recognise them and give me everything I want.  Which is why I’m calling Sir my Light One.  He and I talked about this briefly during our first date (lunch, and then the tea room I mentioned earlier.  Same guy.)  when I blurted out in the middle of a long meandering conversation that I was death-identified.  He told me he was life-identified, and I believe him now with good reason.  He is one of those rare few people who can watch me open up in these ways and instead of using the vulnerability that comes with showing that deep, secret part of myself to his own purposes, he has made sure to put me in a comfortable place where I can relax and take all the pleasure and the exact kind of treatment I need since he seems so much to want to offer me a place to let that deep secret part of myself thrive.

In a nutshell – and you know what Hamlet had to say about that – I identify this in my nature: I need to take and take and take until I feel as if I’ve died.  And his nature seems to be to give me every filthy thing I secretly desire until I’m happier than I ever thought I could be.

I didn’t think this would turn quite so much into a love letter to my Sir, but there it is.  Fiction gives me a handy framework for Why I Need Someone To Handle Me In Unspeakable Ways, but my life has offered me the first example of this dynamic between myself and a lover that I’ve had yet.  Yes, it could all go wrong, and yes, I’m terrified of that, but if I don’t at the very least try I will regret it harder than anything.   That regret hurts more than anything those boys I’ve rejected have done to me, so I am going to very well find out what happens next.

 

*This originally had me so impressed, since often fantasy is all about the Good vs. Evil thing, as opposed to balancing the two sides of human nature taken to an extreme by adding in supernatural powers.  But one day at work I was talking to a woman from Ukraine, and she was asking about my unusual name and what it meant.  She said her own name meant “Light, but in my language it also means like a holy light.”  So maybe there is more of a good/evil aspect that got lost in translation.  If it did – great!  I’m sticking to my original interpretation anyway.

** Another break in writing – only a few hours this time, but I thought I’d note it anyway, since as soon as I came back I was all, “I’m just going to throw in some song lyrics here, since I can’t get back into Serious Business.”  But I will.  Meet me back in the main entry, because I just got my train of thought back!

Bad Date Update

Posted in Uncategorized on May 16, 2012 by sanguinesnow

You guys that commented on that last post really helped today.  I have so much trouble being “mean” sometimes – and by “mean” I am referring to acting in my own interests when they conflict with someone else’s – and it’s also difficult for me most of the time to ask for support like that.  So I want to thank you, and invite you to come live in my Sexy Victorian House, should I ever acquire such a thing.

Even though I didn’t really want to I went to the lunch that was planned for today, since I wanted to be all brave by talking about this and offering a great big NO in person.  A challenge that I’d be better for, I thought.  Man, what a letdown!  I should know by now that dudes who are delusional about their own awesomeness have no idea how to react to conflict or rejection in the first place, so there’s that.  Still, I wanted to at least lay down the law, but why waste time?  It’d all have fallen on deaf ears anyway.

The meal itself was great.  When I first got there, I dodged a kiss so it landed on my cheek, then got into conversation with the cousins, who I ended up getting on with pretty well.  This also allowed me to make another observation – one I’ve made before – regarding the lack of actual awesomeness.  I’ve noticed that people who have unwarranted high opinions of themselves tend to go on and on about themselves in one-on-one conversation, but cannot get into the flow of a casual group conversation.  Since I like being social at times, I have gotten pretty good at casual conversation (or at least better at it than I ever thought I’d be) and that makes it all the more obvious when someone just cannot do it.  I have a high tolerance for social awkwardness, being able to relate to it, but someone who thinks too highly of themselves without paying attention to feedback can just be entirely unaware that they’re actually quite boring.

So I was talking about all sorts of things with the two cousins, and Misogynist Dude was just kinda sitting around being dull.  Finally, he brings out his GUITAR.  Because bitches will totally throw their dirty knickers at you if you have a GUITAR, right?  I don’t know.  Maybe the cello would work better.  Cellos are pretty hot.  And you can try to land a knicker-throw right on the bow, too!

Well, I decided it was about time to head home, since he hadn’t tried to talk with me at all.  And I wasn’t going to charge in, eat an entire meal, and then hold forth on why he is so lame.  I just decided to leave.  He asked if I’d like to go get a drink before I had to be home, and I said no.  (Note: Drunkenness does bring out the horniness, but if I’ve already decided against a given person it will not help at all.)  So he walked me out to my car and asked if I’d like to do anything tomorrow.  I said, “No, that’s not going to happen.  None of this is going to work.”  So he said, “Okay”.  And I said, “Have a good trip home.”  and that was that.

Like I said, letdown.  I’m used to talking about things.  But guys that suck in that particular way?  They can’t see their own faults.  Any of the truly awesome men I know, if they piss me off or fuck up in some way they REALLY want to know what happened, and then when I tell them they listen and consider what I’ve said.  Because I consider these things, think about them, and can articulate what is going on with me and then discuss the relationship, whatever it may be.  Guys like that?  They’d rather just have another story about how someone was a bitch or too overwhelmed by their awesome manliness.  They just don’t care, so I don’t either.

As a bonus, I found some condoms dude had presumptively left in my apartment the day before.  Now they’ve been saved from a terrible fate and can be used with someone deserving!