More Trauma Rambling

Even though I sometimes use this space for personal notes on my life, I usually go for a post that uses them to say something more generally useful or interesting.  I may not be able to do that here, since lately all I can work on is fiction.  It’s great that I’m fitting that in, but I hate that my life right now has me so distracted and busy it’s keeping me from focusing on the usual kind of things I like to write about here.

Back when I was writing about my recent bad date experience I got all whiny and asked for support from friends I know read this.  It did make me feel a bit better, but just talking about why that was a bad experience doesn’t really get into how bad that sort of thing is for me, or how much it effects me.  It’s also the kind of thing that asking for support makes a bit better, but since it’s a long-standing string of issues and not just one incident, comments can only do so much.  (Sorry!  Thanks anyway!)

Because I seriously misread a whole lot of Sir’s ideas and intentions with me, it caused trouble for me over there.  During a visit.  In a really humiliating and painful way I am not going to get into here.  Maybe later.  At first I was just so upset I couldn’t stand up or say anything, but then I decided to lay it aside and discuss it later.  That worked out well at the time, and I told myself I could just offer my side of things and wait for an answer.  And wait.  And I’m fine waiting.  The important thing was to try and explain my views on it.

But this morning I was woken up by one of those trauma nightmares I’ve had since I was thirteen.  These days, I only have them when a new trigger comes up.  That’s overall good, since it has kept me from feeling suicidal and makes me really believe that if I’m careful I can avoid setting them off.  It also means when I’m not careful enough, there they are waiting for me.  Luckily, I am at a point where I can wake up and function anyway, just noting that I should go back and pay attention to whatever set all that off and work on it.

The really rough thing about all this is, we had a brief talk today, mostly about other things I have been Doing Wrong, and during the course of it I said that bringing up other people as a comparison is Very Bad for me.  (So that it doesn’t sound entirely awful, I will note that this point was accepted.)  I mentioned physical distance as being a problem for me, since I’d be around a lot more if we lived in the same city.  So he told me he didn’t have the same problems with people who live halfway across the country.

So I’ve spent the rest of the day crying a lot.  Not only am I carrying around all that other pain, now I’m left hurting over that.

But there is one really important, really useful thing here.  It’s that I’ve been fine (or telling myself I am) waiting for things I said in the aftermath to be addressed.  Obviously, I’m not fine waiting after all.  Nightmares!  And what does that tell me?  I just handed over the next phase of this conversation to someone else, when the better idea would have been to go ahead and say everything I needed to and get on with looking after myself regardless of reply.  All these really tangled, nasty things that go on and turn into nightmares are my own, so sitting on them while I wait and see if it’s okay to talk about with someone else is not going to get me any nearer a resolution.  The Tom Robbins quote I used as a title earlier, although silly, is true.

Not that I’ve come to this conclusion and, just like that, fixed it all.  But it does show that I actually have been Doing Things Wrong, just with myself, and not in the way I thought.

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