Switch Bitch

And then, sometimes the conversation that nudges you into being able to nail down what, exactly, is going on in your mind just falls into your lap, lasts five minutes, and leaves you wanting to write it down.  This is the opposite of yesterday, when I started with pretty much nil and ended up settling the issues of the moment.  Interesting how many different ways I end up over here, talking about things.

Weeks ago, I sent Jonathan a proposition.  Drunkenly roughing him up for my own sexual purposes had matched the weird dichotomy that is my libido.  That night, after going on and on to all and sundry about how very happy I was to have finally met a dominant type I felt suited to, I clicked over and was all ready to switch for the night.  (Carefully, mind you – I have a whole list of things that really should not be attempted while drunk.)  More recently, after mulling it over, I went ahead and asked about future meetings.  I didn’t hear back for a while, then got one of those instant message chat pop-up things kids these days use to communicate from him today.  It was asking if I was okay, so I said I was and then asked if I had offended him or crossed a line with my message.  I had heard some things in between that made me wonder if all was well.  He said it wasn’t unwelcome at all, and that he wasn’t up for it currently because of various life issues, but may be in the future.

Specifically, he just went through some prolonged misery with his main partner, and had been feeling weakened by old wounds.  He hates the feeling of being weakened by someone else’s mistreatment, just as much as I do, and holds himself to a high standard even when it hurts, just like I do.  I know well enough that most of my current stress over Sir has to do with old wounds, and how much I hate letting anyone else see them.  It’s impossible for me not to let them show in this situation, though.  The rest of it is the general complication that comes with not being purely submissive and balancing that with someone who’s probably not used to it.

And that is why just a brief exchange with another true switch can clarify everything so much.  I said that I despise my own weakness so much that being in a situation where I can either allow myself to uncover it or run off and hide (and the running off and hiding is still not an option I’m looking at) has made me really need an outlet for my other side.  Him, too.  And then I said I hate it sometimes, because I feel like I should be able to just pick a side and go with it, but can’t and don’t want to either.  Him, too.  Partly, it just make me feel less crazy to know someone else is dealing with the same thing at the same time, even though the circumstances are so different.

But mainly, it’s that so much of my unhappiness comes from knowing that I can’t just be one or the other.  Knowing that, somewhere in me there’ll always be that other half.  And knowing that other women who really are submissive and not just possessed of a submissive side would never cause the trouble I do.  Having someone – one of my best friends – see that I have both facets to my personality and sexual needs, and telling me it just makes me what I am and recognizing it due to having similar feelings was something I really needed.

I don’t have any great new insights, but just wanted to nod at how good it can be to have a complexity and the way it plays out in real life laid out in a short chat.  If I did have some great insights, I’d be writing a much longer entry.  In real life, though, I am just as happy with someone saying, “Hey, I see you over there.  It’s okay to fuck things up now and then.  Welcome to Switcherland.  Population: both of us.”

As a final note, since I’m bad at making up my own titles we have here another literary reference.  Comment if you caught it!