Not taking one’s own advice is bad form.

Hello, all!  I have to get something off my chest.  It’s a valuable learning experience, or will be once I’ve managed to fit in some sleep and quiet solo reflection.  Also, I need to put in a warning here:

This is going to get gross and personal!  If you want to hear about mythology or what books I like, wait for more posts that are not  just whiny journal entries!  Whiny journal entries are all I can manage right now!

I have gone and tossed aside at least one of my all-important Laws and – I would like to think – am coincidentally not doing so great right now, physically.  Logical me says these things are unrelated.  The version of me that lives in a town that wants to be a cross between Lillydale and Denver has apparently internalised all that new-age crap about how if you have bad thoughts they will manifest physically.  Fight it out, and for the record I’m rooting for you, Logical Side!  Either way, I am in at least mild pain.  Something is not right with my cunt, and I’m also ignoring my usual advice of “Go to the doctor immediately!”  (Sorry, logical side.)  Flipping through everything I’ve ever had going on before, I’m wavering between “UTI” and “BV” with a reserve possibility of “Bad energy”.  I’m also self-treating at the moment, partly because I’m busy and partly because the opportunity to conduct a science experiment involving home remedies just fell into my lap (yes, I know . . . ).  Results later.

So, apart from being gross and a good example of What Not To Do, why am I sharing this here?  I feel terrible about not following my own ideals and need to point out a significant example of Me Fucking Up.  I’ve been really angry with my anatomy lately.  If I were good about keeping everything I’d written in mind, I would be much nicer to myself and accept myself as I am.  Instead, I have singled out a couple of things that I may not be physically able to do but which are wanted and built up tonnes of anger around my not being able to fulfill wants.  Instead, I have chosen to shut down pain responses on multiple occasions lately rather than paying attention to them immediately.  I can’t totally ignore pain, but I’m very good at ignoring it far beyond what any sensible person would.  See, I tend to be driven.  And after bringing up being concerned about just not being good enough I was told that it would be impossible to do it all anyway, so it’s fine.  Instead of being a comfort, this is read as a challenge.  Which is why I’m venting here instead of continuing that conversation.  I know that one of the points to being non-monogamous is that as soon as one person can’t do any given thing, five others can.  And I know that shouldn’t matter, and I know that after being reassured I should relax instead of being harder on myself, but what sounds like reassurance to one person sounds like being written off as a failure to another.  I hate being that other, but there you are.  I cannot accept that in myself, especially now.

Since I have singled out that this is an ongoing problem of mine (not health blips, but my general problem with not accepting failure.) I am seriously wondering today if I should have another go with the mental health system.  I’d rather not, since I have not had good experiences to date, and finding someone I could say “My boyfriend tells me his other girlfriends can all do X, Y, and Z and I can only manage X.  Why am I so mean to him about telling me these things?” to might be problematic.  Maybe they would say I’m not cut out for being part of an ensemble cast.  Maybe I would have to agree eventually and I’m really just afraid of coming around to that, which would mean ULTIMATE failure.  I’m a bit of a mess over just considering the whole process.

I just want to get better as soon as I can, and then I want to be able to enjoy my body again without having lingering hatred for it tinting everything I should be enjoying.  Once those feelings are out, it’s so hard to put them away again I’m not even sure how to get it done.  My drive is so useful in work and school, but applying it to anything else is clearly not healthy.  Being told not to worry about it doesn’t help, and telling myself not to worry about it only helps until the next snag.  Knowing that, I am often bracing myself for that next snag even when I don’t realise I’m doing so.  I’m off to try out another round of treatment on myself.  Once I’m better, I’ll report back, but even then my usual advice still stands.  Unless you’re me, go see a doctor as soon as you’re in pain.  If you’re me, shut off the pain to go to work and school then write about it, then shut it down again.


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