Poly Trouble, Part I: Don’t Try This At Home

I had an educational weekend.  It wasn’t at all the weekend I expected, but even if you can’t always get what you want . . . okay, I won’t start singing here, but I did get what I need.

A longtime partner of Sir’s who lives in a different state was up for a visit.  Since these visits aren’t terribly frequent, I didn’t want to intrude, but we had talked about the three of us getting together while she was here.  Now, this might sound out-of-character for me, with all the agonizing I’ve been doing on and off over polyamory in general.  I had met her at the same event I met him, though, since they were there together and I had decided I liked her.  I had all sorts of ideas about how things would work out, and was pretty excited about seeing if they could be brought to life.

Things started off pretty weird.  I had picked this particular day to begin a new self-experiment I’d had on my mind lately.  Most of the stress that has come up has left me feeling like I’m not properly shedding baggage from outside, or not allowing Sir to take the lead quite as much as I should.  I always do get to the point where I can let go, but I knew I could do better.  I decided to use some of my old meditation and self-hypnosis techniques that have been collecting dust, and spend the hour before they arrived clearing my mind and preparing it to take on whatever He offered, as an empty vessel He could fill with His own desires and needs.  Not that I would be “nothing”, or even necessarily the “good sub” I feel is often an ideal and nothing like me.  My goal was just to take a first step in seeing how I would work with Him if I concentrated on becoming receptive as my preliminary ritual rather than concentrating on pure erotic energy like I normally do.  I wouldn’t try this with anyone else, especially since I didn’t know how it would work, but I trust Him enough that however far I ended up in that space I knew He could use it well.  About ten minutes before they arrived, I got up and got dressed and just waited.  I was entirely calm, and not thinking of anything in particular.  Just relaxing, and waiting.  I didn’t realise how well I had worked on myself until they got to my house.  I greeted her, and then He held me close and kissed me and said he was happy to see me.  The contact fixed all my earlier work harder in me, and more firmly onto Him.   He could have done anything to me just then, or ordered me about and I would have been thrilled, but nothing more was offered.  Everyone settled in the living room, where I had arranged cushions and blankets.  That was when I first really noticed something was awry.  I was still calm, and waiting, but Sir was . . . out of sorts.  He was kind of babbling and hadn’t made any further move to touch me.  I couldn’t make any small talk or offer suggestions for the evening’s activities.  I started feeling odd, then more so, and then I knew that I had just backed myself into a very uncomfortable corner.    My calm receptiveness was working, but the empty vessel was being filled by its focal point – and that focal point was not in a good state, and worse, was not able to discern anything about me or my state because of it.  I should have let Him know what I was about before I did anything, but like I said, these techniques have been gathering dust.  I wasn’t sure they’d have any effect on me at all.  But the groundwork was already there, in my feelings for Him.  It was easier, and felt more natural than I’d have thought it would be on a first try.  So I’m soaking in all this agitation and I really don’t want it, but I could NOT break myself out of it.  Until I finally could.  Just enough to stop waiting and being quite so entirely open and reach for my own voice again.  I managed to say that I thought he was acting oddly, and that it was affecting me, and that I needed to go out on the porch for a minute to collect myself.  Even standing up was hard, and I was walking like I wasn’t even entirely in control of my own body.  Once outside and away from Him, I told myself over and over to close it off and take myself back.  It didn’t take too long, I suspect because I hadn’t spent all that long inside and also because I knew I’d be no use at all under that receptive semi-trance.  When I was sure I had myself back and functional, I went back in and told Him I’d explain it later.  (Which I did)

Once we had taken a break to talk alone, He told me He had been a bit nervous about this, since it was the first time and it could go wrong and all.  Also, He’d had coffee, which is a very rare thing.  I told Him what I’d done, and how surprised I was by the depth of it, and apologised for not warning Him.  So all is well there, and sorted.

I wasn’t expecting the success I had.  It was a failure only in that I hadn’t discussed it beforehand (and really, if I’d brought it up and then was no different from my typical self that would be just as bad as far as I’m concerned) and also because He couldn’t have known that showing all that chaos would have such an impact.  He’s usually very in control, and if He’d been like that I think my experience would have been much different. Even the other partner said she’d never seen Him quite like that.  I’m not sure she has any real idea of how things stand between us, but it was an interesting observation to hear from her.

I’m counting this as a success, ultimately, since I’m now overjoyed to have this new tool at my disposal.  I want to see how it works under better conditions, and how I feel after that.  I want to put myself into that state again and see how it can be used.  I want to see if it can be broken once I’m being handled, and how easily, and if it is as solid as I think it might be, what can be done with it and how different it might be.  I’m used to being brought into an open and receptive state as we start interacting, and gradually getting more into it as things intensify.  But if I can bring it on myself, and start off in that state, what then?  I want to find out.  Now I know to do it when we’re alone, but I will work with this more, and see what it does.  I could hurt myself terribly, but even if I do there will only be deeper knowledge after that.

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