Poly Trouble Part II: What Happens When Your Girlfriends Don’t Like Each Other?

This was all going to be a SINGLE POST, but I do tend to go on and sometimes it takes longer to untangle things than my writing schedule allows.  Which should clarify why Part I, despite the title, didn’t actually have much to do with the polyamory bits.  That could have happened in any one-on-one situation where one party was going into experimental territory without fully informing the other one, and the other was in a weird mood.  I’m going to try and keep this to the point though, since I am writing to get my own feelings cleared away, don’t want to list every specific little thing working my nerves, and have another post I’m working on that five parts to this theme will only keep me away from.

I was enthusiastic about the visit since based on one short meeting thought I liked Other Girl (OG from now on).  I thought that since I’d been reading all her posts over on Fetlife I had an idea of what was up in her life, and we’d have all sorts of things to discuss and bond over.  I had a whole list of fantasies around it, and although I’m not the sort that has to have everything exactly as I picture it but can go with unplanned quirks and total shifts in an evening, they did get my mind working.

Instead, by the end of the visit the only thing keeping me civil was the fact that I didn’t want to cause trouble (as usual) and I know Sir loves her, and has for much longer than He’s even known me, and no way was I going to put Him in the middle of a spat.  Turns out, I just plain don’t like her, and as far as I can tell it’s mutual.

After thinking it over, I do realise that part of it might just have been OG trying to assert herself, or else feeling insecure and trying to put me down as a way of dealing with it.  It could be that we’d just never get along in any setting no matter what due to personality differences.  I can see all the possibilities, and ultimately I don’t care.  That is a breakthrough, right there, but I do need more details to show why.

So, how can someone love two people and yet they don’t like each other?  In a scaled-down example, think of your friends.  If you go to a party or something and meet friends of theirs you didn’t know before, you are likely to end up being friends with those people too.  After all, you both have a mutual friend, so maybe you have some things in common that will lead to more friendship.  Ideally, I think bringing multiple partners together should be like that.  It’s not: think of those friends-of-friends you’ve met and never hit it off with.  Hell, I have friends who have OTHER friends I actively dislike.    If that can happen in platonic friendship it’s not at all surprising it should happen with sexual partners.

The things that make me wonder what is up with this dynamic in particular and why it doesn’t work are a little specific.  That’s why I’m not sure if OG’s less endearing moments had to do with plain old dislike of me, or were driven by any of the possible things I mentioned above.  For myself, I am proud to have figured out what’s wrong on my end, and to have made the decision not to continue any menage-type activities with OG in the future.  I’m chalking it up to a learning experience with no hard feelings.

The details, though . . . none of this will make sense to you, the reader, unless I do share a few.

My first hint that all might not be as I’d imagined it was after I’d been paddled very nicely.  Up til then, there had been other things going on which I enjoyed very much, but that was the moment of – look!  Red flag!  (or at least a glimpse of something that might well be one.)  The thing is, I am not a masochist by any means.  I might look vaguely like one to someone who doesn’t like any kind of hitting/cutting/piercing/whatever at all, but that’s not how it works for me.  I don’t seek out pain, and I don’t ask for it.  My whole thing with being hit/spanked/whatever is that it doesn’t actually hurt.  I once talked here about the right and wrong ways, and how if someone figures out the right way for me I will be orgasmic.  That is the entire point, for me.  The more aroused I am, the more I can take, and then it’s just endorphin loading to the point of altered states.  It’s cool with me if other people approach it differently, but that’s what it is for ME.  So, this particular paddling left me in a little endorphin puddle.  And that’s when OG decides to critique my posture and motion during it.  I replied, with my limited vocabulary, “But . . . I feel . . . GOOD.” which did not at all elucidate everything I just typed, but is a decent short version.  So she told me, “It will until He pushes you.”  Which led Him to say, apparently unaware of it being the Wrong Thing, that that was pretty hard for me.  I did go ahead and pull myself out of my interrupted basking at that!  I pointed out that I am (as I have already discussed with Him plenty of times) very uncomfortable about being compared to others.  I know I can’t be hit as hard as some people can.  I know my anatomy is different from other people’s (no padding – just muscle).  But for fucks’ sake, it’s an individual thing!  I’m not going to be happy if I have to listen to all this crap!  As long as I feel good, who cares how hard anything was or how OG postures herself during it?  I just want to have my own pleasure and then settle into a good resting period where I don’t have to worry about my audience pointing out that I’m not as good as her!  Standing up, the endorphins I mentioned said, “Hello!  Still here!  Carry on!” and I floated around the kitchen gathering snacks very slowly as I took on the challenge of remembering where htings were in my own house while essentially being drugged to the gills by my own body.  He asked if I was okay, and I said yes, meaning, “Please just let me enjoy ONE moment of this and don’t make me talk any more.”  Floaty, drifty Sanguine, and maybe all that was just a misunderstanding well-meant but wrongly delivered.

But that vein continued.  Later, OG was being spanked (lightly, mind you – I wouldn’t have been coursing with my own natural chemicals yet either) and making some sort of small talk with Him during it.  I semi-jokingly said I was surprised she could just have a normal old conversation.  (For the life of me, I don’t remember what was being said at all – just that it was incidental little things.)  She rather firmly told me that the two of them were INTELLECTUALS, so of course they’d be talking.  Too bad I’m not educated or well-read at all!  If only I could get in on that sort of thing – if only I weren’t so stupid.  Pity, that.  I never realised my tendency to so quickly limit my vocabulary to “More”, “Yes”, “Please”, and various moans and gasps as I try to drive my partner to give me the release I want ALSO meant I was Doing It Wrong.  To be fair, now, this has more to do (as far as I can tell) to differences in sub styles.  OG’s seems to be more the back-talk, playful sort while mine is not.  That’s also cool, but it doesn’t mean I can be called out for lack of intelligence in my own home.

The REAL, serious thing was after that.  And yes, I have a pile of other little things, but am only writing about the ones that I think will show why we’re just not going to be friends, ever.  I’m getting to some sort of payoff here, for the patient reader.  Again, I don’t remember exactly what I said, but I can be forgiven that since I do get deeply into those magical, amazing states at times like this and cannot file away all my comments for future reference.  I need a videographer next time.  The gist of it was, my feeling of earning things by being good and asking and serving Him as best I can.  OG replied with something about manipulating people, and how it’s easy for her to do so she does it all the time.  SERIOUS THING, I cannot state that enough.  Manipulation, by pretty much any means, is so against my ethics I knew right there I simply did not like her as a person.  I talked about this in my Three Laws posts.  This one is not just a misunderstanding, or a mere difference in sexual styles.  That is one of the short list items that tell me STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM THIS PERSON.  Period, Full Stop.  Yes, it gets her corsets and plane tickets, but I’m sticking to my ethics anyway.  People who enjoy the manipulation game, in all my experience, don’t just use it sparingly and selectively.  It permeates everything they do and all their relationships.  It’s a tool to make oneself feel more powerful, and it’s one that will never be in my arsenal.

Oh, and Kink Olympics, speaking of games.  I don’t care for them, and OG was trying to play.  No, just, no.

All that, and I did not argue, I did not make anyone uncomfortable during what was supposed to be a fun visit.  My Service Heart won (more on that term later) and I was as good as I could be.

The next morning  . . . .  Well, I almost broke.  Really broke in the sense that I was ready to start a fight that would end in OG being kicked out of my house, most likely.  It went alright, though!  She was resting before the trip back to Sir’s house, where she’s been staying, and was having a lot of pain and fatigue.  I knew she had various health problems.  She said she had pushed herself too hard the night before.  I felt sympathy at this.  I really did, although I knew I didn’t like her.  My current job involves me dealing with sick and injured people every day, and in the course of it I often have to do things to them that will hurt, or cause distress.  Every morning, before I go to work, I repeat the mantra strength and compassion over and over, since those are the two most important qualities to bring with me when I handle these people.  Not that I am left with a glowing aura of soothing energy.  Almost every day, I am cursed at or someone will try to hit me, kick me, or spit on me (dementia is not a happy state and I don’t wish it on anyone).  But almost every day someone will tell me that I am so gentle, or so kind, and thank me for my manner and my skill at what I do.  Both of those things are why I repeat those words daily.  The ones I can comfort or put at ease make me happy since I could help them a bit more than the average person in my field.  The ones I can’t, I can remember that I still have the strength not to be bothered by their actions or words, and the compassion to be just as gentle as I would with anyone else.  That’s not a digression, it’s  the main reason I was feeling sympathetic and wanted to help.  I’ve wired myself for it, no matter who the person in pain is.

But then I almost broke.  OG said that the way she had overexerted herself was by fueling Sir and I with her energy for the entire time we were together.  I am so proud of myself for walking away.  Let me make a list:

1.  I do agree, to an extent, that what people commonly refer to as “energy” can be raised and channeled for use in oneself.  I’ve experimented with it.  I also agree, to a certain extent, that two or more people – even a large group – can experience and use that sort of thing together.  It’s why religious ceremonies work, and it’s why people feel that bond sometimes after getting into certain states, not all but some of them sexual.

2.  I do NOT, however, agree with the whole new-agey sort of approach where you can just force “energy” on an unknowing or unwilling participant.  That starts to get into some of the negative things I’ve seen among those types, where they REALLY NEED to use the whole idea as a way to make themselves seem more powerful or more important.

3.  Yes, very good orgasms were had.  Nothing out of the ordinary for me, though.

4.  And so we come to this point, the one that made me almost order someone who was tired and in pain out of my house, or at least start a fight.  My thoughts:  You want to take all the credit for my pleasure?  You want to take all the credit for His pleasure?  You think you’re so much better than I am that I couldn’t possibly have felt that good or done those things myself?  FUCK YOU!  If you’re so good with “energy” why didn’t you figure out that after a while having you around was dampening my enjoyment?

My one, single, moment of outward expression came shortly after that.  Poor OG was self-assessing for the trip home, and Sir had come back.  I said, in a more sarcastic voice than I should, “She’s in pain because she thinks she was fueling us all night with her energy.”  Sarcasm was invisible, and He was sympathetic.  Not surprising, since as I noted He does love her, and didn’t seem to notice anything was amiss between us.  Or maybe He did.  We haven’t talked about it yet.  Which brings on the big wrap-up.

After all that ranting – more than I thought I’d do, but as I said I want to be done with this and move on to other writings – I am left with the firm belief that overall, that was an excellent learning experience for me.  I am happy about it!  One of the best things was that Sir, who has absolutely said that He wants me to be His primary partner, did make sure I was His focus, and the main part of the night.  I am so thankful for all the attention I got, and since this was the first time that we’d tried anything like this I have to say that it’s only made me more secure with Him.  And when I said at the beginning of this that I really don’t care about the fact that OG and I don’t like each other, or why she was acting that way, or if she’s trying to prove she’s better or if she’s uncomfortable with me being primary when I’m dumber and not as good?  (just kidding – I’m neither of those, but she seems to think I am.  Again, don’t care.)  That is great.  For me it is, since I had this whole thing about “what if I meet some of these other partners and don’t like them?”  It’s great to have gotten that out of the way, although not as I’d expected.  If I choose to stay in this, I may not like everyone around, and they may not like me.  And if it is going to work, I now know that I can accept that.  We don’t all have to be friends, and we don’t have to live in a Heinlein utopia where we can all get together for good times.  As of this writing, I do feel like Sir’s point about me being the primary partner has been fully taken in.  But I also feel that if/when it ends, I will be able to understand that it’s not because I’ve failed, but because He loves things in people that I find downright repulsive and would never want for myself.  That makes my fear of not being good enough or losing what I have with Him vanish, or at least fade under the light of my love for myself.

I’m posting this now, since I don’t have anything more to say and do want to get back to the rest of my life.  I know He reads this, and by posting it before I’ve talked with Him I am running the risk of making Him very angry or changing His feelings toward me.  But that is okay now.  If I waited and said, “please listen to me whine and then fix it!”  I would be throwing away all the important lessons from this weekend.  I am going to run into issues I couldn’t have predicted, always.  But if I can take them and learn to be stronger I will be better off, for Him, for anyone else I might be with, and most importantly for myself.

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One Response to “Poly Trouble Part II: What Happens When Your Girlfriends Don’t Like Each Other?”

  1. I just realised this is my 42nd post! And all my musings could be summed up by saying, I know where my towel is!

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