A Short Note On How To Get On The DNF List

DNF = Do Not Fuck.  It’s a mental list (but may need to make it onto paper if it gets any longer!  Just kidding, my memory isn’t that bad!) that I keep of people I am not ever going to be having sexy fun times with.  Some of those people are ones that I have indeed had sexy fun times with in the past, but guess what?  Consent is an ongoing thing.  I get to withdraw it any time I please.  Assuming that I am going to be doing anything with you in the future just because I have in the past is a good way to get on the list.  If consent were a one-time thing that granted you access FOREVER, I seriously would not have time to leave the house.  I’m not a fan of sharing numbers, but mine is up there.

That’s part of why I like having these mental notes to go by.  I used to be very bad at saying no, and a lot of that consent that was given in the past came more from my not really being good at saying no than it did from an enthusiastic yes!  These days, my yes is strong, and that makes my NO strong as well.  Or maybe it’s the other way around.  Point is, we’re pretty deeply socialized in ways we don’t even notice, as women, not to give a strong no.  Instead of saying no, we’re encouraged to say “Not right now” or “Maybe later” even if we really want to say NO and leave it at that.  Making my own mental note that I Do Not want a particular person helps me be ready to say no, and mean it, since I’ve already done so in my head before I’m propositioned.  Not that decades of social conditioning can be shut off just like that, but it’s kept me from sleeping with a couple of people already and I am better off for having thought it over before they even had a chance to bring it up.

Once again, it’s Strong No time, because my subtle socially-acceptable hints have not worked.  The guy in question is someone I hooked up with ONCE, over a year ago.  We had worked together, and were casual friends at best, and one day I was invited to drop by and visit.  I was fresh out of my marriage, and suspected that “visit” meant “have sex”, which I was right about.  I don’t have any complaints about the sex part, but right after that – even though we’d had what I thought was a very clear conversation about both of us just wanting fun NSA sex – this guy started calling and texting me a couple of times a day.  I admit, I went with the “I’m very busy right now, I’ll call you when I want to see you again” thing – which was true.  And if he hadn’t been calling and texting all the damn time I may have found myself with a free weekend and an itch and called him up.  One message could have been nice and enticing, but several a day looked like a huge red flag – one I’d seen before from guys who “only wanted to hook up” and then decided they owned me a week later.

Like I said, this was all over a year ago.  Hadn’t seen him since then.  We’d had a chat on facebook back in May (which I just reviewed for the purposes of writing this note) where I said I was dating again when he asked if I was seeing anyone.  Well, this guy turned up at my party very briefly.  I said hi, and then after I’d finished whatever conversation I was in I noticed he’d left.  He wasn’t there for the toasts, and at least one other person commented on it, but I’m not THAT strict about parties.  Leave whenever you’d like!

Just today, I got a message from him.  He said he was sorry about leaving so soon, but that he hadn’t realized I was dating someone, so he felt jilted.  Excuse me?  First of all, there were two people there who I’m currently connected with in any sexual or romantic way.  Right there, I have no idea who he’s talking about since I wasn’t asked.  Secondly, neither of these people are in a monogamous relationship with me (obviously, or there wouldn’t be two of them!).  Thirdly, you cannot “jilt” someone you’re not actually involved with.  Again, VERIFY.  All this could have been avoided if this guy could have just checked in with me.  Instead, he decided to wait and then get all whiny about me not fitting his idea of “up for grabs”.  That right there will get you on The List.  At the end of his message, he said ” if you ever get single and horny again you know how to find me.”  Direct quote.  Apparently, this guy is not interested in being added to the “filthy orgy” list, which is fine because he is now officially on the DNF list.  It is AMAZINGLY bad form to listen to someone go on about her ideals of free love (it’s still called that, right?), agree with said ideals, and then get all snitty when you see her kissing another guy or girl over a year later and run off without talking to her about her actual relationship status and THEN message her with the assumption that you know all about her status but she should totally fuck you if she ends up single.

There are many, many ways to ensure that I will never want any kind of sexual connection with you, but this is a good case study.  In the interest of living up to my own ideals, I’m off to give a very clear NO to this person, and damn the whining!


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