Blog Hop Challenge!

Here’s something new for me to add to my long-and-growing list of Things To Write About:  The Submissive Guide has a monthly blog hop.  Which sounds fun, like a sock hop!

Okay, let’s get to it.  This month’s writing prompt is “What is your submissive personality?”  If you wandered over here from The Submissive Guide, welcome!  If you’re a regular, you’re either already familiar with everything I’m about to write, or you’re asking “is there a ‘submissive type’ that involves drinking and cursing a lot?  I think Sanguine’s that one!”  It depends on how you know me.  And that is the really interesting thing about this challenge.  This is just one aspect of my entire personality.  I’m looking forward to reading everyone else’s entries, since there’s a whole range of people out there, and thus a wide variety of individual styles.  I think they all have value, so long as they lead to happy, healthy relationships.   If you’re an s-type of any sort (including switches who submit), and you’ve had some self-proclaimed Big Bad Domly Dom tell you “Real submissives do x” or “are y” as soon as you expressed yourself in a way he disagreed with, raise your hand.  See?  I knew it wasn’t just me!  From now on, I think the appropriate response is “well, real dominants take the time to find someone who’s a good match and don’t wander about bitching at the rest of us.”  Point is, I think this is an important conversation since plenty of us hear about how we’re “supposed to be” from people we aren’t even involved with.  I think the key to a successful relationship is first figuring out what you want and need and then finding someone who will work with that because he or she values what you have to offer.  I’ve run into more people than I care to count who are way more interested in their fantasy ideal than they are in building a successful D/s relationship, or even a single successful scene.

But what about me?  I have written a bit about this already, in two entries that seem to contradict each other.

The short version is, I have a complex style that changes with my state of mind.  In my own terminology, I have a Service Heart and a Fighting Heart.  My Service Heart is more prominent, and is the side that is sweet and obedient and will work hard to do anything to please Sir.  My Fighting Heart is the darker part that shows up when I’m working through some inner turmoil and will challenge Him on purpose.  I am very lucky to be with someone who can handle both sides, especially now.  Our relationship is still fairly new, and has already hit a few major snags.  The only thing that holds it together some days is communication, which always ends with both of us learning more about each other and deciding it really is worth the trouble. (Yay!)

I’ll start with the service aspect, since it’s my main form of expression, and my happiest one.  This is a natural part of how I show friendliness and love to everyone, including family and platonic friends.  I deeply enjoy inviting people to my house, making food, and being helpful when I can.  With Sir, this enjoyment is amplified heavily.  When He’s visiting, I get excited just shopping for food and cooking and trying to make the house look nice.  I enjoy bathing and dressing in ways He’ll like.  One of the best things about building a good relationship is how it can give me a safe space to improve myself.  My ex didn’t appreciate the cooking and housework I did, and my makeup and clothes were never “good enough” for him – even if he’d chosen the clothes himself! – so I found myself becoming indifferent and slacking off in all areas of my life.  By contrast, Sir is very good about letting me know He appreciates any work I do, so it makes me want to continue improving.  The real benefit here is not just that I’m fulfilled by making Him happy, but also that gaining appreciation and praise for things I do makes me want to be constantly better.  At this point, two very important people in my life have heard me talk privately about some of my concerns at this stage of our relationship.  Even if things did end up going south, and I were single again in a year or a month, having this aspect of myself – what I have to give – acknowledged the way it has been would mean that I’d still be better and stronger in my abilities for future relationships.

Of course, this part of me carries over into the bedroom (or whatever room or party or club we find ourselves in).  That goes for sex and for impact play.  This is where the power exchange works particularly well, since He enjoys putting me in the deep mindspace that comes with MASSIVE amounts of endorphins and I enjoy being safe enough with Him to open up to such vulnerable places.  The deeper into it He can drive me, the more receptive I become.  For example, we were at a club a while back and I was trying to be patient waiting for a cross to open up for us to use.  There were only two stations set up, and one was being manned by a DM I dislike so that narrowed it down to one.  Eventually, Sir decided to steer me off into an alcove and have me face the wall.  He bound up my legs and made me bend over and put my palms on a chair, then began paddling me.  I couldn’t see anything but the wall, and couldn’t hear anything above the music.  After a time, He pulled me back upright against Him and asked, “How do you feel?” (He’s very good at checking in, since He knows I usually can’t say much unless I’m addressed directly – again, this works well for us).  “I feel completely under Your power”, I said between long deep gasping breaths.  “Good!” And then I was pushed back into position for more.  It was a perfect balance of joy for me, from being a “good girl” and also from being handled in a way that made me feel safe and able to relax into all the ecstatic feelings such play rouses in me when I can allow myself to drop my barriers.

Those barriers are what I want torn down.  A lot of them are leftovers from bad relationships or encounters in my past, but a lot of them are just the walls that need to be in place for me to function in the outside world.  When negative things have happened between Sir and I, whether it’s a misunderstanding or a real problem (and there’s only actually been one of those),  the walls come back up from my impulse of self-preservation.  What I term my Fighting Heart is the side that’s come out in reaction to this.  It’s happened twice, and both times it’s been due to “talking it out” not being enough for me.  I either still have more walls around my heart than I’d like, or I’m unsure of what He meant with all the talk and I need a physical lesson to open me back up or to affirm that He can handle whatever negative side I have to me.  This is different than bratty behaviour.  This is me challenging Him to show me He’s strong enough and brave enough to look at the worst parts of me and bring me back into my service state.

There are positive things to this side of me.  The strength I’ve shown at these times is presented as a challenge, but it’s the same strength that, if we should end up in a deeper and closer relationship, will make me fight for that.  When this has happened, a lesser man would probably turn tail and run, but He’s able to meet my needs with a firm hand and bring me back out of whatever fear or turmoil I was facing.  In its purest expression, this will hopefully evolve into a state where I’m not challenging Him, but asking Him to help me face challenges I find in myself.  It will allow me to find the dedication I need to devote myself more fully, channeling that fight into a tool I can use to strengthen ties between us and face down outside intrusions, like being able to fend off creepers or calling people out when they criticize Him.

What ties all this together for me is that I feel my submission style is a source and expression of strength.  To be the best partner I can as a submissive, I need strength to run a household (even if it’s just my own for now), to be able to balance a relationship with the demands of work and school, and to meet His needs.  I know we’ve all heard the old “submissives aren’t doormats” saw, but I truly believe in it.  Dominants who need a “doormat” tend to be weak in themselves in some way, in my experience.

To be fair, the idea of strength being at my core here can sound confusing, especially to people who don’t know me.  There’s an entire school of thought (which I disagree with) that would call that “topping from the bottom” or would suggest I just like bondage and impact and am throwing the old ‘submissive’ label on it just so I can fit baking and collar-wearing into my activities.  Let me go over how ‘strength’ and ‘power’ fit into my lexicon.

I’m using ‘strength’ to describe an inner quality – one which would exist in any situation.  ‘Power’, on the other hand, is something that can be given up at will or exerted over another person.  To use a kink-free example, say you get pulled over by a cop.  The cop has power in this situation, since she can write you a ticket or just make you wait while she runs your license and then you end up being late for work.  As the person who got pulled over and may end up with a speeding ticket, you still have strength, which means you can decide not to let it ruin your day or send you into a crying fit.  So for me, I can hand over all the actual power but still feel strength – better yet, strength in a D/s context is not just a means to cope, but something that can be built by handing over power.  It’s the sexiest paradox ever, people!

Having assignments is a good example of how this works in practice . . . .  Assignments, in this case, are things I’m told to do on a daily basis, or are lists of instructions I’m given before a visit.  The Big Strong Man In Charge dictates these (power) and I carry them out (strength).  “But if you’re just following orders, how is that strength?”  Well, I’m glad you asked!  Seriously, I have an insane schedule.  Keeping up with anything in addition to it requires a whole great lot of strength!  Every time I feel like saying I can’t, I’m too tired, I’m too busy, I’m going to be lazy and choose not to because I need to fit in an assignment, that is an expression of strength.  That is me deciding that my devotion is enough to keep me going no matter how tired I am.  And the really awesome thing, that makes me feel so appreciated?  At the end of the week when we finally see each other, I will get to rest at some point because He’ll see I’m tired and have got a lot done, and He’ll want me to be able to relax.  And then, when I have to start all over again on Monday I’ll be off to work and school knowing that I’m the best I can be.

Again, thanks for dropping by and reading, everyone who got here through my link!  I tend to ramble a bit, so if there’s anything I didn’t cover or that you want to hear more about let me know in the comments!

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