Archive for November, 2012

Winter

Posted in Uncategorized on November 14, 2012 by sanguinesnow

It’s been quite a while since I posted anything.  I have been busy, as usual, but there’s more to it than that.

When I first started writing here, it was pretty aimless.  I mainly wanted to get back into writing after spending a long time away from it.  I knew posting personal stories for all to see might be problematic.  I knew there were trolls out there.  I changed the names of innocent and guilty alike, and have been deliberately non-specific on several details about myself and my life.  I know how to ignore internet bullshit, creepers, and crazies.  I assumed they would be the worst I’d deal with, or that someone who knew me would be uncomfortable with some of the things I post and either stop reading or see me differently.  I thought knowing all that would protect me.

Except,

None of that will protect you if someone you know violates your trust.  None of that will help if someone who knows you starts looking for ammunition and has it handed to them.

When that happens, you can ignore all the nasty messages and all the terrible things you are told about yourself.  You can continue to write about your personal life, often while drinking and often in a heightened emotional state.  You can post journal entries that could be used later to hurt you, and be strong enough not to care when they are.

You could also shut the whole thing down and move on.

I was very close to that second one after I figured out how many people were checking this blog for negative things about me.

I’ve had very little to say, since every time I have something I want to write about I think of how badly I want the people who used my writing against me – people I knew and trusted – NOT to see it.  So it’s not here.

When I started, I swore I wouldn’t self-edit.  I swore I’d be true to myself and to what I wanted to express.

I’m not comfortable doing that here anymore, so I’ve let the writing fall off.

I may come back to it.  I may go through and edit heavily and keep the good bits.  I may never touch it again.  For now, I’m leaving it alone.  It feels wrong to simply abandon this project, though, since I did enjoy it and get so much out of it.  That’s why I’m writing this entry.  I want to mark this as a period of hibernation.  This is a good time of year for it anyway, with everything freezing over and getting darker.

To end it on a happier note, I am not really done.  I have plenty of things to work on, and will be elsewhere.  No, it won’t be safe.  Nothing is safe.  But this time it will be better, and that is enough for me.

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